I need sunshine – A look at self-worth

I need sunshine – and wind – and water – and movement. These things keep me in the moment and present in my body. Which is essential when I experience the following.

My life is full of this aching discomfort at being vulnerable, of reaching out to people and being rejected or ignored. Being ignored hurts worse, by the way. It’s reinforcing the insecurity that whatever I am, I am not enough – for if I was, then I would be worth a response.

Which isn’t the case at all, and it’s a bold-faced lie.

am enough. There will be those who don’t see my value, and/or don’t have the capacity for that which I offer.

And that’s okay.

How hard is that to say?

Really effing hard!!

I want to scream and writhe on the floor in embarrassment for putting myself out there in the first place, or for holding on hope (for that’s what it is… Or insanity, depends on how you look at it) that this person (whomever it is) would care enough about me to reach back out to me. Whether it be a business contact, a personal friend, or even a family member.

Then I start into the, “If they cared enough about me… if I was worth enough to them. Clearly I’m not worth anything or they would’ve reached out to me. Clearly – clearly.”

Clearly, whomever had bigger problems going on in their life and this whole situation probably isn’t about me. It’s probably bad timing and a general dissonance between my expectations and what they’re capable of.

But that doesn’t reflect my worth. My worth cannot be defined by these interactions. My worth is an entire lifetime of experiences. How can you put an entire lifetime into a single text or email?

You can’t. Which is one of the many reasons it’s bogus and a lie.

TL;DR Your worth is defined by your lifetime, not a singular experience. And the movement of sunshine and nature helps to keep these things in perspective for me. 

When have you struggled with self-worth? What did you do? Would love to hear from you in the comments!


Anger Boiling

Anger bursting from the seams,
Barely contained,
Ridiculed and deemed,

Yet it wasn’t I who chose this path,
Offered no understanding,
No empathy, wrath

Contain I must the slow fire inside,
For ‘the greater good’
I sacrifice pride

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Your life is a direct result of the choices you make.

Can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that, but it doesn’t click until you make a choice (like whether or not to call someone back) and you see the direct result of that choice.

Not some rationalized wishy washy, “well.. it could be this..” No. A decisive, WOW! I feel a helluva lot better about myself and respect myself a lot more.

Take that insecurities. You ARE worth it and you’re worth being respected and loved for exactly who you are. Not who someone else thinks/wants you to be.

Rant. Rant. Rant.

No, but seriously. I’ve seen this in my friend’s lives and was too much of a coward to take the steps necessary in my own. You CAN live the life you want. I know.. You keep hearing that and you think, NO! I can NEVER be an astronaut stop telling me I can!

Let me just put something in perspective. The life you want should be one where you are respected and encouraged. Yes, there will be hardships. And yes, you are not always going to be right. BUT! There is a way to show you that without having to tear you down and make you feel like sh*t.

Jus’ sayin’. Don’t settle for less because you think you deserve it. No one deserves anything. The only thing we deserve is respect just for being alive and having to put up with the bullsh*t that everyday brings.

So put that in your pipe and smoke it.