I need sunshine – A look at self-worth

I need sunshine – and wind – and water – and movement. These things keep me in the moment and present in my body. Which is essential when I experience the following.

My life is full of this aching discomfort at being vulnerable, of reaching out to people and being rejected or ignored. Being ignored hurts worse, by the way. It’s reinforcing the insecurity that whatever I am, I am not enough – for if I was, then I would be worth a response.

Which isn’t the case at all, and it’s a bold-faced lie.

am enough. There will be those who don’t see my value, and/or don’t have the capacity for that which I offer.

And that’s okay.

How hard is that to say?

Really effing hard!!

I want to scream and writhe on the floor in embarrassment for putting myself out there in the first place, or for holding on hope (for that’s what it is… Or insanity, depends on how you look at it) that this person (whomever it is) would care enough about me to reach back out to me. Whether it be a business contact, a personal friend, or even a family member.

Then I start into the, “If they cared enough about me… if I was worth enough to them. Clearly I’m not worth anything or they would’ve reached out to me. Clearly – clearly.”

Clearly, whomever had bigger problems going on in their life and this whole situation probably isn’t about me. It’s probably bad timing and a general dissonance between my expectations and what they’re capable of.

But that doesn’t reflect my worth. My worth cannot be defined by these interactions. My worth is an entire lifetime of experiences. How can you put an entire lifetime into a single text or email?

You can’t. Which is one of the many reasons it’s bogus and a lie.

TL;DR Your worth is defined by your lifetime, not a singular experience. And the movement of sunshine and nature helps to keep these things in perspective for me. 

When have you struggled with self-worth? What did you do? Would love to hear from you in the comments!

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Positively Broken

So here’s the God’s Honest Truth

I’m broken, and so are you.

Do you know how long it’s taken me to accept this fact? I think a little too long…  And damnit if it isn’t a beautiful thing!

If you are like I was 15 minutes ago, curled up crying on the floor with my eyes like pufferfish and makeup streaming like a raccoon, you probably won’t believe me.  But that’s okay! Because being broken is okay.

It’s not about believing that there’s something better for you it’s about believing that you can use your brokenness to help someone else. That’s where I found it.. hope.

I don’t believe that people deserve anything. We haven’t done anything to earn it! We are all f*ck ups and screw up on a daily basis, so really.. How can we DESERVE anything? (pain included, unless you torture animals.. there’s a special place in hell for people that do that).

So me being told that I deserve something really doesn’t resonate. There’s a disconnect there. Now… Tell me that I’m supposed to HELP someone with what I’ve learned.. There’s purpose behind that. There’s a positive, giving purpose. That’s what hope is.  A positive purpose that you can feel, see, and give. That somewhere you’re going to give/make a better tomorrow.

 

All right. enough with the emo stuff. Here’s a cat gif.  🙂

F@$& the world – what to do when you’re angry and frustrated at Everything

Ever scream at the world?

Angry, hurt, frustrated. You scream until your face turns blue then you realize your actually screaming at the world inside you. The face in the mirror that you feel like you can’t escape.

It taunts you. It haunts you. It constantly disappoints. It shows you just how far you are from your ideal, and putting on that fake happy face to try to seize the day kills you a little more each time.

Depressed? Who says?! You’re just not enough, because if you were you wouldn’t feel this way and you’d be able to satisfy the people closest to you.

All of this is a lie you are believing. You are telling yourself and believing in a lie.

Now listen to the little voice, the one that’s been silenced by insecurities for way too long. What does it have to say?

You don’t have to be “more.” You are being prepared for the next step. Take courage and wait.

Pretty powerful words if you let them sink in.

Don’t be discouraged from discovering truth. “The truth shall set you free.” Funny part is that it’s freedom from you. Your insecurities. Oh, and the bullshit you “put up with” everyday.

I hope you find inspiration to listen to that little voice. Coming from someone on the other side, so to speak, it’s worth it.