I need sunshine – A look at self-worth

I need sunshine – and wind – and water – and movement. These things keep me in the moment and present in my body. Which is essential when I experience the following.

My life is full of this aching discomfort at being vulnerable, of reaching out to people and being rejected or ignored. Being ignored hurts worse, by the way. It’s reinforcing the insecurity that whatever I am, I am not enough – for if I was, then I would be worth a response.

Which isn’t the case at all, and it’s a bold-faced lie.

am enough. There will be those who don’t see my value, and/or don’t have the capacity for that which I offer.

And that’s okay.

How hard is that to say?

Really effing hard!!

I want to scream and writhe on the floor in embarrassment for putting myself out there in the first place, or for holding on hope (for that’s what it is… Or insanity, depends on how you look at it) that this person (whomever it is) would care enough about me to reach back out to me. Whether it be a business contact, a personal friend, or even a family member.

Then I start into the, “If they cared enough about me… if I was worth enough to them. Clearly I’m not worth anything or they would’ve reached out to me. Clearly – clearly.”

Clearly, whomever had bigger problems going on in their life and this whole situation probably isn’t about me. It’s probably bad timing and a general dissonance between my expectations and what they’re capable of.

But that doesn’t reflect my worth. My worth cannot be defined by these interactions. My worth is an entire lifetime of experiences. How can you put an entire lifetime into a single text or email?

You can’t. Which is one of the many reasons it’s bogus and a lie.

TL;DR Your worth is defined by your lifetime, not a singular experience. And the movement of sunshine and nature helps to keep these things in perspective for me. 

When have you struggled with self-worth? What did you do? Would love to hear from you in the comments!

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“I am.. ” How important is how you look at your self?

I am lonely. I am hurt. I am ugly. I am destroyed. I am broken. I am hurtful. I am hungry.

I am a joy-giver. I am frustrating. I am laughter. I make light of dark situations. I am irreverent. I am insightful. I am intuitive. I am heartless. I am thoughtful. I am a contradiction.  (Aren’t we all?)

I am a mother. I am a friend. I am loyal. I am sassy. I am opinionated. I am determined. I am whimsical. I am easily distracted. I am a doormat. I am a diva.

I am sexy. I am the girl next door. I am hopeless. I am bright. I am gifted. I am blessed. I am talented. I am persistent. I am giving. I am strong.

 

Have you ever listened to the things you tell yourself? I think this is very important and something understated. Because we don’t believe what others tell us. We only believe it when it matches our own beliefs.  I’m beginning to ask myself, “Why?”

“Why” am I unhappy? “Why” do I feel blessed? “Why” do I feel hopeless? “Why” do I feel sexy?

What exactly am I believing? And what am I doing to myself and others based on these beliefs?

I want to teach my daughter how to forgive and not to hold grudges, but how can I teach that when I’m unable to follow it?  You teach by example. By actions. My actions are pretty ugly right now.

So what do you do? How do you get out of it?

Ready for this? It’s counter-intuitive.

You give.

What, you say? Crazy, you say? Yes. And you’ll feel so much better for it after. I promise. Give your time, give love, give what you can to the people you have and see if it doesn’t turn your thinking around.

Do it willingly. If it’s not done willingly take back that piece of shit because that’s not a gift. It’s a guilt-token. Something you give because you feel you should, not because you want to.

Give it shot. Then tell me what you think down below!